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Tensions over family heirlooms & photos Jump to page : 1 Now viewing page 1 [25 messages per page]
Posted 2009-09-30 9:36 AM (#4821) Subject: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
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Posts: 290 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
We've gotten a bunch of questions over the years that go something like "My great-aunt passed away and her son won't let any of us see the old family photos [or other heirloom] she had. I'm afraid he'll throw them away."
So we included the “Estate Affairs” article in the November 2009 Family Tree Magazine with advice (including input from an estate lawyer and a bereavement counselor) on how to handle five common and awkward inheritance scenarios—when there’s no will, for example, or the named heir is uncooperative, or the relative with the family archive is living and you want to "put your name in" for certain items.
It’s a touchy topic that can bring up all kinds of family tension. A reader e-mailed that the article is tacky, that it's greedy to ask for possessions of a recently deceased (or still-living) relative.
I was wondering—what was your reaction? Have you ever found yourself in a situation similar to the scenarios in the article? What did you do? What do you wish you had done?
Posted 2009-09-30 2:34 PM (#4823 - in reply to #4821) Subject: Re: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
Regular
Posts: 97
The article certainly had some good suggestions and like all articles of this type should be viewed as a guideline. No article could be long enough to try to detail how to handle the family dynamics of specific cases.
I don't think it is tacky to have family discussions about wills. I know I would like to know certain things will be passed on to someone who appreciates them and that I wouldn't overlook someone who really has an interest in some item, especially a family specific item.
However, as the comments you have received indicate, there are those for whom it might be better not to push into such a conversation. One such person was my now deceased aunt who never married and lived in an ancestral home among a wealth of family photographs, heirlooms, and all sorts of other items of genealogical interest. While she was close to her sister and her sister's children, including me, it was apparent from her comments that she had no intention of including us in her will. Her attitude was that we had enough wealth. That was fine except from what we gathered, her charities were primarily national charities for which the family photographs and documents would have little to no value. She did indicate that maybe I was getting her cup and saucer collection which was a nice gesture but not items I had expressed an interest in.
My aunt had this stubborn streak in which any strong "hint" by us of wanting something someday resulted in its disappearance shortly thereafter. To this day, we don't know where many of those items went to. So, in my opinion, the only thing to do was to pick her brain on family history and hope she shared some information in those visits. With a little luck, I thought she might see the level of interest and eventually start giving or willing family specific items to family. As it turned out, she did have a change of heart and willed cash to local charities only and willed her possessions to my mom, brothers and I. Fortunately, the distribution was easy as we each had a different level of interest in different items. However up to the point the will was read, it was quite stressful to wonder where things would end up and if the executor or charities would allow family to retrieve family specific items from the house.
As a result of this experience, I have already started opening a line of communication with my son regarding my wishes and understanding his interests.
Posted 2009-10-02 11:09 AM (#4832 - in reply to #4821) Subject: Re: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
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Posts: 1
When my mother garnered the deceased great-aunts many boxes and albums of family history, she was already in early stage Alzheimer's and I will never be sure if she appreciated what she had. She had taken every letter with it's envelope and slipped it into date order and into plastic page sleeves, then into binders. It was a wonderful find for me. The photographs were a whole other issue in that a limited number had names on the backs. Over time, I've been able to compare photographs and solve some mysteries. The many binders and boxes I have are, indeed, a treasure trove and I have been slowly scanning correspondences and photographs and posting them into the online Family Tree family tree--that sounds funny. The family members who have expressed an interest and indicated the "wanted to see the family history" have no concept of the enormity of that request.
We all live consideranble distances from each other and even though I have invited each to go into the online tree to view everything I have posted so far, NO ONE has done that after two years. I question why I am spending the time to make all of this wonderful information availble to them if they aren't sincerel enough to just view it online, complete with photographs.
I keep adding to it as I have time and other than one 4th or 5th cousin who lives half way across the country, no one else seems to have a real interest despite their early annoyance that I "had gotten all the family history."
I wonder if any of them would have gone to the trouble that I have and continue to scan and post if she had possession of the many boxes of treasure. It's perplexing from my viewpoint.
Posted 2009-10-02 12:50 PM (#4833 - in reply to #4821) Subject: Re: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
Regular
Posts: 97
The important thing is that you are making an effort to preserve the information through scanning and being open to sharing. Never believe that your efforts will always go unnoticed. Some of those cousins you speak of who were insulted by not receiving any of the family information may on the surface not seem to care what you are doing. However, remember their interest level may be overridden by everyday family and work obligations for now. I, for example, kept but never really looked closely at some family compilations my aunt gave me in my younger years. However, once my priorities changed, I was hooked. So knowing the information is out there may be enough to prompt them someday to look at it more closely at a later date.
As you pursue further research and put queries out there, you will find distant cousins you didn’t know you had that are interested in the information and sharing more with you. If the place you posted it is free or you have named and organized the scanned files so they can easily be retrieved, you will find that it is far easier to share information. Having genealogy data stored offsite either online or on media stored in a different place than the paper items, you are protected from that information being lost should a disaster occur. You are the only one that can decide whether what you are doing is worth your personal time. But I personally believe anything you put your heart into will be appreciated someday.
Posted 2009-10-03 9:11 PM (#4844 - in reply to #4821) Subject: RE: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
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Posts: 14
I can understand the frustration of the writer who has found almost no family member interested in the research s/he has done on the family. I have notebooks with family material and hardly anyone closely related seems interested. I may just give it to the historical society where I was born.
Insofar as photos are concerned my father had kept old photos, many of which have no identification. Fortunately, I had access to them before his death and he identified some that he remembered. I have found only one known error.
I'm quite certain a great aunt may have had photos but they disppeared with her passing.
My siblings had no interest in any family heirlooms and so I have a number. Hardly worth a fortune but meaningful to me.
Posted 2009-10-04 8:23 PM (#4852 - in reply to #4821) Subject: Re: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
Member
Posts: 39
The article is right, a lot of wills don't include distribution of heirlooms-and that's what can cause the fights. None so far in my family, of course my grandparents are still alive. I have a feeling that it'll happen once they pass. There are things that have already been claimed or asked for, but it's just my feeling that'll happen.
Sometimes I feel that all my family research is for nothing-no one in my family is that interested. I might end up leaving most of it to a 3rd cousin that I found that's interested in genealogy like me. Luckily, I already have many of the old photos, but not all that I want. The heirlooms that I do have, several I might leave to my cousin's kids, though I don't know how much they'll treasure them.
Posted 2009-10-05 9:01 PM (#4857 - in reply to #4821) Subject: Re: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
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Posts: 140
I've heard that Extension speakers have a talk, "Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate?" or something like that. It's a way to start just this type of conversation. Check with your local Extension Service office.
Posted 2009-10-06 10:56 AM (#4861 - in reply to #4821) Subject: Re: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
Regular
Posts: 97
Browsing on the web, I saw that it was the Minnesota Extension office (for one) that was offering the class. Apparently the title of the class is based on the book "Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate?" by Marlene S. Stum. It is sold on the University of Minnesota Extension website http://www.yellowpieplate.umn.edu/order.html and on Amazon.com. I have not read it but thought it sounds like an interesting resource related to Family Tree Magazine's article.
Posted 2009-10-15 3:56 PM (#4889 - in reply to #4821) Subject: Re: Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
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Posts: 152 Location: Chicago, IL
I recall when my maternal grandmother passed away and there were items in the house that needed to be sorted through, her china for example. What I remember is that my two female cousins and I had our names put into a bowl or something and we got to pick which set of china we wanted. My grandmother had more than one set which was the reason we did it that way. One set was from her wedding I believe and another set was pieces she had obtained through the local movie theater. In the end I got that set of china which is actually the set I wanted because the pattern reminded me of needlepoint and was a lot prettier than her wedding china which one cousin, who eventually got married, got to have.
That actually worked out in a good way in the end, I was 12 at the time and didn't have any use for the china at that time. Both of my cousins were older and since one got married and the other didn't it again worked out.
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Tensions over family heirlooms & photos
